Trials of a Singleton

People often ask me whether I have to have an arranged marriage and my immediate response is always an exasperated "No!". But when I spent some time thinking about this one morning, I realised that the criteria for what would be perceived as a 'suitable match' has been drummed into my head so much that I, myself, have started to believe that this is the 'right way'. As much as I may want to resist, I find myself with a mental check list every time I meet a guy and wonder whether he ticks all the boxes. Boxes which part of me feels as though I've been brain washed to recognise as acceptable.

As a young 25 year old, I'm constantly being told that I should be looking for a husband and aim to be married - something which is seen as bizarre in today's Western world. Don't get me wrong, I do want to find what someone would call a 'soul mate' or 'Mr. Right', get married and have kids, but the pressure that is put on twenty something's really doesn't help living life as a singleton.

I don't think people quite understand how difficult it is to be in this position. My mum and numerous aunts (most of who have had an arranged marriage themselves) keep telling me that I shouldn't be picky, that love will grow in time and I just need to let it. Perhaps that was okay for them in their day and age, but I don't believe, nor do I want to believe, that that's how it works. I admit, I'm an old romantic and I've always longed for that destined meeting where violins play and fireworks explode. Realistically, I know this seldom happens, but I know that I won't settle for anything less than those butterflies.

I guess the million dollar question now is "How am I going to find this guy who gives me butterflies and fireworks?" I wish I knew! I would imagine that living in a large metropolitan city wouldn't make this too difficult, but in reality it actually is. I work in the city and with over 2.5 million people using the underground every day, you would think that was a perfect opportunity to spot that special someone. Even if you did see someone that caught your eye, realistically, what could you do. There's no bar where you're both 'conveniently' stood next to each other, waiting to be served, or trip to the ladies where you can 'accidentally' brush past him. Take for example, one Friday morning. I'm waiting on the station platform and see a good looking guy to my left. As the tube arrives and we get on, we find ourselves sitting opposite each other. Whilst we both listen to our iPods, him tapping his feet and me drumming my hands to the music, he looks at me. I look up and he turns away. Similar behaviour continues for a while; quick glances here and there, but never meeting eye to eye. That is until we arrive at Oxford Circus and he gets off the tube, a quick look behind as he steps down. I'm embarrassed to say that was in fact the highlight of my week. To this day, I've never seen him again.

So with not much luck finding my own Prince Charming, the alternative is going through what me and my friends call 'The System'. The System is where all the aunties and uncles get out their own little black books which are filled with details of nice chokras and chokris that they're dying to set up. Basic details of both the girl and the boy, for example. age, date of birth, height, education etc are exchanged between elders in the family and phone numbers are passed on. In theory, this definitely has its advantages. It cuts out the awkwardness of asking for someone's number and instead an eligible bachelor's number is handed to you on a silver plate. Going through The System means that I already know the guy is 'suitable' on paper. Now it's just a matter of attraction, compatibility and luck!

It wasn't until I felt as though I'd run out of excuses that I agreed to try this way. I was doing quite well putting it off intially. The first time my mum mentioned introducing me to someone, I was still at university so there was an excuse right there. It wasn't until I'd graduated, had settled into a new job and was entering my mid twenties that I finally agreed to be introduced to that 'nice chokra' that some aunt somewhere or another knew. A first date in itself is quite nerve-racking, but to go on a date with someone you know very little about, you've never seen, and you've spoken to for all of 5 minutes, is a little terrifying.

The first 'blind date' I went on was...interesting. My intial reaction was one of disappointment. I think the idealist in me had pictured a true Bollywood style meeting - Girl meets Boy, Boy is mesmerised with Girl and declares his love for her in song, after which they live happily ever after (overcoming the interfering mother in law and defeating a love rival or two in the process). But life isn't a Bollywood film and there definitely wasn't going to be any singing or dancing on this date. We went for coffee - always a safe bet as there's no decision to be made about whether it would be okay or frowned upon to have an alcoholic drink. I have to admit, it's difficult to know what the protocol is - Do I offer to pay, should I admit that this is the first time I'm meeting someone in this way, am I okay to just be me? I think when I knew there defintitely wasn't going to be a second date, I relaxed a little. He paid for the drinks, I admitted it was the first time I was meeting someone in this way and I was just 'me'. I do however, think he wanted me to pay him back for the coffee! Needless to say the date ended short and I could be found a couple of hours later gossiping with a friend to discuss the finer details.

I'd put the date down as an experience and moved on, however he contacted me a couple of days later. It's at this point that I wondered whether it would be best to ignore the text, send a detached one instead, or reply with one of those 'it was nice meeting you, but I don't think we're quite right for each other' messages. I opted for the second - I thought it would be quite rude to ignore him and the thanks, but not thanks text would've seemed a bit inappropriate - he'd only asked me how work was, not given me a marriage proposal! His texts continued for a while and I have to admit that I did ignore the last one. From memory, it wasn't one that needed a reply and my offhand responses most likely showed I was uninterested.

Some of the dates that followed ended in a similar way and some went well but there was no spark. Through each one, I did learn a little something about myself and at least I have a better idea of what I'm looking for in a parther, and what I'm not. I have to admit, I still struggle to understand the opposite sex and I'd be keen to meet someone who does!

At the moment, it's been just over a year now since I've started dating through this method, and I still haven't found Mr Right. I don't quite remember how many blind dates I've been on - more than five, less than ten perhaps. I wouldn't say they've all been disasters, and perhaps I am being too picky like my mother suggests. All I know is that I won't settle for anything less than perfect...I just have to figure out how to find him!